Mid-Day Ramblings

Everything feels the same
No forward momentum
There is no change
But everything is changing
Moving
Going
Growing
Even I am moving further into my life
Each step leading to aging
I am writing, serving what I feel is my purpose
Still, it is stagnant
Not, ripening like an apple
But I will rot
We all die
I attempt to live in each moment
And when I’ve risen
Someone pulls me down
Their words, thoughts actions I’m told to ignore
And when I rise above them, the hope lasts maybe a month
If I’m lucky I can brush their thoughts or views aside
Exhale and try to make things matter
This voice that screams for you to listen
And then you’re told you want attention
We all want attention, to be heard
Or would we rather
Sit back and turn on the television
Ignore the things turning around us
It’s hate, beauty, and the uniform we are forced to wear
Society’s standards are not mine
And I type on my machine
I’m in no race
Click, click, click
Words with meaning to sometimes only me
And I wonder if they glimpse at all, peak at what is underneath this skin
Of a beating heart that would bleed
For those who wish to speak
I know what it’s like to linger in the sidelines
To stop, not speaking, to not interrupt, to be polite
Because if you stumble over them, push them, or try
You have no manners
While neither will I.
Angela K. Crandall
©4/2/19

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Hiding scars

I am lost, and I can’t give you anything. I’ve handed over so much of myself already. I give out hope like candy, treat others with as much dignity as possible. I’ve only lashed out when harmed, or to defend my heart. Yet still, I feel as if people walk over me, stomping on me without having to use a word. That I can be there for everyone, do the right thing at the drop of a hat, and when I turn or point it out they just walk away. Afterward, I’m the one who is playing the victim, caused the problem, created a violent act. This why I keep silent even when in pain because they would say it was bullshit; me hiding because I know your words and reaction will hurt me.
Angela K. Crandall
©3/21/19

Peace

Sleep is a place I go
A land I know
Where my unconscious travels
In and out of worlds unknown
Places I might have been
Wants and needs, they say
Exist played out in R.E.M.
Funny, short, long, monumental illusions
I’d often rather fight for
Than anything else
But I can’t sleep forever.
Angela K. Crandall ©12/6/18

Ghosted

I feel like an invisible ghost, ready to vanish.
Extinguished by my negative thoughts.
Transparent even though I am already exposed
Words, spilling as I stumble over hope.
Butterflies, repeating fluttering.
Will it start again as it once was?
Can I bring you back to me?
As I stand, watching you focus on the game in your hand.
~Angela K. Crandall~
©10/23/18

The dark side of me.

I keep writing
As if I’ll share my words with you
Then keep denying them
I hold them dearly inside
But I don’t keep secrets
I opened my book long ago
Reading from it waiting for a reaction
Satisfaction in, a me too
Nothing
Zilch
Then I closed my eyes waiting for grief to pass
To move beyond
But I never did
Stop searching for the social connections I lack
And that has driven me mad
Maybe manic
So I type, write, tell stories
Tales
Save Lives
In pages
Places I’ve created
Resurrected
Revived
And wonder how many other flashes from the past can I pick up
Bring them to life
Change the endings
By creating a beginning
That never was
As I recoil in the darkness
While they say, use
Happiness.

                                                   Angela K. Crandall

©9/16/18

Visions of Life

When I want things I can’t have I close my eyes
Breath deep and exhale
Then count to ten.
I reach to the sky stretching my body as I would my mind.
Then let my arms fall to my sides.
I open myself up to what’s within and use it to write.
My imaginations-The life I couldn’t have
And I can re-invent it
Over and over again.
I can make it perfect, unlike reality
Or make it as imperfect and crazy as I like.
My fingertips, they hold-worlds within my mind.
Angela K. Crandall
©7/12/18

Afflicted

“What’s in my heart is what you hate.

 Freedom allows choices, the press to speak their mind.

Since January all I’ve felt is suffocation in the land of the free.

 Is brave, now pointing guns at those you disagree with and blowing them away? Why is it right for some and wrong for others.

 Don’t speak of morals for they are being lost as each star falls.

 And they are not only journalists but all of us.”

-AKC ©6/28/18

Backward

I want to take your reflection and live in it
As you reside in the world
Of hope amongst other’s chaos
I see your light and want to touch it
Please share it, give it freely
For some of the dim seek the shine
as they sink into darkness…
~AKC~
©5/24/18

Mixed messages.

I want to lay myself down, relax and just be
But
Something inside me
Stops me
From being free
A wish to be more
then a girl lying on the floor
run down by life
I wanted to live no more.
Confronted by confusion
attempting a solution
as the sun sett, and the wind rose
blowing the willow trees against the sill
I gasped for breath amongst my tears spilling
Then I got up again.
~AKC~
©5/24/18

Distinguishing life

I trip on the road and look up to see a crow. He’s sitting in a tree just staring at me. Then he lets out a loud annoying caw as if I’m bothering him. A majestic creature overlooked every day sits there staring at me. I pull my hoodie up over my head to continue walking. It fly’s in front of me then settles on the tree to the left of me. I shrug my shoulders wondering what’s up with him. Maybe he’s having a bad day too.

~AKC~

©4/26/18