Holding my heart

I was left holding my heart, in my hands

When, you’re, only thought was, I was taking a stand

Against you

To defeat you

But

I

Let

You

Have 

Your

Heart

And

Give

It

To

The

One

You

Said

Was

Yours

I was only, a one time deal

A way to make you feel, empowered

As you took and gave me hope

That we could continue

On

Somehow

But

I held my heart, in my hands

And gave you, yours back

To do with what you, pleased.

I needed you

You didn’t need me.

By

Angela K. Crandall

©10/21/15

By rebel4universal2acceptance Posted in Loss, Poetry

Recovering

My heart tried bending for you before you broke it
Slowly I am repairing who I am
Not yet whole again.
by
Angela K. Crandall
©10/16/15

By rebel4universal2acceptance Posted in Loss

Innate intrinsic cross-examination

The most difficult thing to comprehend
Is mending my own internal spirit
Wondering why I let you near it
Contemplating all the illusions I had
Interpretations of compilations
Come and go
Disturb my slumber
Things said dismantled in one day
Games you played
It’s so difficult to see
Leaves me questioning
Do I need your forgiveness?
Or
Should I just forgive me?
By
Angela K. Crandall
©9/21/15

Say Goodbye….

It’s as if I’m a witch on trial
Burning at the stake as you watch
Each mistake I made carved into my skin
I’ve given in, but they keep carving
No pain felt physically
Emotionally, I’m dying
I don’t grasp for breath
I want to end
To let my-self
Forever sleep
Warm, sweet, peaceful, so I never have to wake again
Nor,
Go to bed to play pretend
I am forever a suffering, in your web-I made
I’ll never know the truth
What I did wrong that day
Forever I sink into my soul
Not knowing, how to let go
As I let go
And
Drowned.
by
Angela K. Crandall
©9/21/15

Switching to sleep…

Allow me to rest, my head upon this pillow
Giving myself
The grace, I lost
Once entrusted
I sit down to pray my life away
Wondering if anyone is really listening
For it is dwindling
Lost
Fearful
Uneasy
With all that is before me, below, beneath, or above
Respite is for those, without thoughts.
by
Angela K. Crandall
©9/21/15

Held Down…

Tears release the pain held within
Letting go of the rivers that roll inside of us
Untying our hands of burdens
Allowing us to pick a daisy once more
Open up the gate inside, my hidden garden
Roam free to sit underneath the tree
Picking the apples they warned me of
Fearing the fruit I once tasted I throw it aside
I lean against my tree
Letting them fall one by one
Trickling down, letting myself hurt, letting it flow
Digging my fingers into the dirt beneath me
Plowing it as if something underneath will eventually grow out of pain
AS if emotions in humans matter
like bees to flowers
They produce honey
while I  generate showers
For mistakes are not tolerable
They bear on your tomorrow.
by
Angela K. Crandall
©9/21/15

Purgatory…

I feel as if I am on trial

for all that I am in denial

No longer can I tell who is right or wrong

On or off

Derailed, or on target

Now I am just standing in the middle of it all

watching traffic.

by

Angela K. Crandall

©9/20/15

Overwhelming emptiness

Waking up empty
Something missing
A, void irreplaceable
Unmistakeably numbing
Waiting for it to pass
To become history
Emotions still pour down upon me, each morning
Especially awakening alone
The Realization that what was found is now gone
The volcano erupted
I tried to wait in the lava
It burned my feet raw
I stuck myself there as you pushed our friendship aside
I tried to give reason while you made excuses
As to why it would never work
I wonder if I’m cursed
Or
Reinforcing loneliness
You’ll never see.
by
Angela K. Crandall
©9/19/15

(Defective Hope-Disassociated)

I use to have faith
Trust in friends
That we would be there til the end
Every day of my life
I shared who I was
Each moment meant pieces of me given freely
As I was taken
Then all that went away
A mere few acquaintances I did keep
For years and years, I did weep
Then after a long while I thought I’d found
Someone who cared, understood, and could love who I was
Stepping up to the plate accepting fate, or was it destiny?
I took her hand, thinking she understood enough to stand
As I did on my own two feet
Only she made me
Fall
Hard on the floor
Into a brick wall
After letting down all my guards
Believing what she said
Only I was put to bed once again to sleep
To disbelieve in what I’m told
Doing the Opposites of what you said
The knife once again is placed in my back
Now I’ve gone back, back again to the place inside of me
Hiding me
Back to my imaginary friends
Who because they are me, can never deceive
I’d rather fool myself into comfort, warmth, and hope
I don’t know why I let you
Let me believe
That anything more could be
I shared with you all I was
Considered you told the truth, we could still be friends
After only once I shared with you
What I could never get back
There is no cure for that.
by
Angela K. Crandall
©9/18/15

By rebel4universal2acceptance Posted in Loss Tagged